As I lay...

The days have become long as the numbness of the pain fades away and the shock of reality comes into focus. I envision myself standing in the center of a high rise that has just crumbled to the ground. I survived but I stand in a heap of ashes and rubble. Initially, I couldn't fathom what took place. I've been in this building all of my life. This building is my safe haven, my refuge, my security. I'm choked by the remaining ashes gasping for breath. The building has come crashing down without warning and mentally so did I. As the ashes clear I don't recognize life outside of this building. Everything from this moment forward is a process of an unfamiliar notion that life may exist oust side of this brick box. How long do I stand in this rubble? Do I dare take a step outside of this crumbled place that I'm unable to rebuild? No grater loss I know. No grater pain I've felt. No bigger quest have I explored. Why was I left standing to witness the after math? It is impossible in my own strength to step out. Sorrow stifles me. Although I am aware life will never be the same. I'd much rather sit in this mess of brokenness and remember what it once was insanely hoping it'll return. I've sat because quite honestly I just couldn't move...I was stuck. Mental anguish physically exhausted me that I lied back unable to hold myself up any longer. As I lay on my back my sight shifted from what was around me to what is above. The Creator. The Creator of the building and all that surrounds it; above it and below. First, I stood in the ashes until I regained my focus. Then I sat in the rubble until I became aware of the significance of a well structured place. Now I lay and look to the place above and see w/ a clarity I've never had to have before. I'm unable to stand and don't know that I'd won't to ever stand again. As I lay I am unable to look anywhere but up. As I lay I recognize I'm unable to do anything in my own strength. As I lay I gain rest for what lies ahead. As I lay I come face to face w/ the bricks that built such a phenomenal building. Bricks of unwavering faith, integrity, long suffering, unconditional love, inner peace, quiet strength, unselfish servant hood. Were these bricks left in the rubble for me to rebuild a new place that becomes another persons safe haven, refuge, security? Have I existed in the former place long enough to know the blueprint so that I can now construct a similar model. Is this how the former building came into existence in the first place?? As I lay, I am carefully studying the debris of a once beautiful creation my eyes have ever seen and aspire to make something beautiful from it once more.