Blah!

I'm not sure where to begin...I'm still trying to digest my past two weeks. I guess to process or digest what has occurred would mean accepting what has occurred. Which is probably why it's so hard to swallow my reality. Simply put, I'm not ready to accept.

I can vividly remember Oct. 12 the day my father entered the hospital for a routine surgery. He was only expected to be there for a week and back home he would go. However, 95 days later he went home but not the home I expected. Jan. 15, 2011 at 8:33pm I witnessed my father take his last breath.

Sometimes I feel like if I would have known what my father's destination would have been I wouldn't have asked him to fight so hard. I wouldn't have been by his side through 7 surgeries and countless procedures. It makes me physically sick to have witnessed all my father endured only for him to come up short at the end of his journey. Those 95 days were inhumane and torturous. The mind and body was not meant to sustain such stress and changing emotions. My marriage and my children took a tremendous hit as I spent every opportunity at the hospital to be by my fathers side. And now that he is gone I'm left to pick up the pieces. The first time ever in life that I've had to pick up the pieces without him.

I feel so lost in this world now. Things that once brought me joy insult me. I am so disappointed that I am forced t go on with every day life without my best friend. I don't even know what life looks like without him.

I have such a void inside of me. A constant throbbing ache within. Every morning I wake up I'm reminded of my lost. Lord have mercy on me and have mercy on my soul.

I feel like my father and I have ridden together on this journey of life and he abruptly dropped me off in the middle of no where never to return. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of no where waiting on my father to come back. Come back and get me. Come back and complete the ride. Please come back...

My father was so amazing!! He single handily was the best person I've ever met. I loved and cherished him because he first loved and cherished me. I adored my father. I adore my father.

I hope in time I will be able to digest my father's passing. Even as I type those words (father's passing) and reread that sentence my mind does not know how to fully comprehend that statement. But hopefully in time my mind will begin to comprehend. Hopefully in time I will begin to pick myself up from the middle of no where and find my way through life again.

I pray that my emotions does not appear as ungrateful before my Creator. I'm so thankful for experiencing such a treasure as my dad. I wanted to be stronger in this moment. I wanted my faith to help me hold it together. I wanted to show my strength at a time of weakness. To be brutally honest, I haven't been able to go in my prayer since that fatal day. My prayers get chocked as I become overwhelmed with sadness.

I know God is Good. I know God makes no Mistakes. I trust God's will before my will. But my carnal being limits me at this time.

At this time I feel like Blah!